I'm out but have you seen my closet?

This week was our company's annual Diversity Summit - it is a great opportunity to network, see friends that I don't get to see enough and spend some time developing new skills. Obviously, as a diversity summit, there is a lot of conversation and learning around diversity initiatives. As I was attending different sessions, I started thinking about my own diversity experience and how it has impacted me, professionally and personally. Then, I had the opportunity to attend a learning lab about 'Bringing Your Whole Self to Work'. Now, I have been to this class before but it had been awhile so I thought it would be good to go through it again. As I sat in the class, thankful that I have such accepting and supporting friends, family and colleagues, I couldn't help but think about the challenges that still exist. And I as I heard people talk about how hard it was to be out at work, or even outside of work, I started thinking about the experiences I had been though and how I had managed them.

As I thought more about being "out" and what that means I realized that while I am out, I still find myself keeping quite a bit in the closet. As I started really thinking about it, it began to feel like the storage closet you have at home - while it may be overflowing with things you need to throw away, it is full of things you just cannot bear to let go of. Simple things like holding my girlfriend's hand in public or not having to think about her "title" before I introduce her to others. More complex things like standing up to someone when they say I have it easier because people don't assume I am gay or thinking about where our legal documents are in case I actually needed them in an emergency. And, just like that closet at home, it starts out organized and logical until you keep adding to it and it becomes a jumbled, mixed up mess that you have to sort through just so you can find what you actually need.

I am a TV watcher - not ashamed to admit that my DVR stays full of shows that I like to watch so I often have analogies from those many shows. So bear with me - I do have a point in this! Remember on 'Friends' when Chandler and Monica move in together and she has the secret closet that he thinks has presents in it but it is really her secret messy closet? See, Monica wanted everyone to believe the outward part of her - organized (some might even say obsessive - 17 categories of towels!?!) and neat. But despite wanting to be that all the time, she still has a closet full of chaos and pack-rat behavior that she couldn't let go of!

Or in the movie, 'Sex and the City' when Carrie says to Big (when he asks if she wants a ring): 'no, just get me a really big closet' and then we see all sorts of references to her life and closets throughout the movie, like shoving her wedding dress (and her feelings) to the back of her closet or the single pair of shoes waiting for company in that big, huge closet. I guess my point is that while the GLBT community may have dibs on the term 'coming out of the closet', we all struggle with parts of ourselves that are sometimes easier left in the closet, or at least stored on a shelf for a bit.

See, once I came out of the closet, I thought "whew, I did it"...until I realized (very quickly!) that coming out is something you do again and again and it takes as much energy and courage each time as it did the first time. So, for me, the storage closet became a convenient little place to manage the different aspects of being out - tell people that I have a partner (out of the closet) but don't talk about our life together (storage).

So, I have decided to start cleaning out that closet - start throwing out those things that I just don't need to hang onto anymore and taking those things I really do cherish and value and stop shoving them into a closet...call it spring cleaning for my soul. Sounds great, right? Well, just like that closet at home, it is much easier to think about tackling it and how it will be so much more open and spacious when you are done but then reality sets in. Where do I start? How can I throw this out? Do I have room for this somewhere other than the closet? Isn't this more valuable than being stuck in the closet? And, along the way, I think I might just stumble upon one or two things that had been forgotten and be glad that I discovered them again.

Just like my coming out experience, I think the closet cleaning will be more of a journey than a one-time event - I mean, who doesn't end up filling back up that newly clean and organized space with stuff again? But, I think this time I will fill it up with stuff that is okay to be in there instead of hiding stuff that I should be proud to have out.

2010 - The Year of Molly

I know that I am late in posting this - I had all intentions of having this done and posted at the beginning of 2010 but then, well, 2010 happened. So here I am, into March already, just getting the post written. I decided that 2010 is my year - my year for health, balance and growth. Big goals but, broken down, they feel much more manageable. I have never been big on New Year's resolutions - I find that the thought of trying to accomplish something over the course of a year ends up being ambiguous and easy to get distracted from achieving it. So, in 2010 I have set monthly goals for myself - each month focusing on starting something, stopping something and trying something new.

My health is my number one priority this year - not just losing weight or eating better - but truly focusing on my total well-being.

January started with the challenge of start working out 3x's a week, stop eating fried foods and drinking soda and try meditation. I was on the road the entire month of January so I knew that this was a big challenge to start the year but remember, it is the Year of Molly! I successfully stopped eating fried foods and drinking soda and tried meditation (which I am continuing because my sleep is greatly improved from it). While I did not get to 3x's a week with work outs, I did get at least 2 workouts a week in and continue to push myself to reach 3x's by the end of March.

While many of the challenges are directly related to my health - better eating, exercise, etc., I am also focused on some new growth and new opportunities - like meeting 10 new people, trying new classes at the gym, taking a cooking class or investing in a new fund. See, what I realized as life was breezing by was that I was forgetting to have some fun with it, take care of me and find a way to balance my professional and personal goals with one another. Don't get me wrong - this past week, too much work, not enough sleep, some not great food choices, some great food choices and a little exercise is still not the perfect Year of Molly, but knowing where I want to go, and having some fun goals to challenge my along the way, sure makes it all more fun!

So, I will try and post some more updates about the challenges - March includes starting spinning back up at the gym and playing racquetball with Christy - lots of activity! And, if the weather keeps up an actual bike ride may happen too!

Here's to the Year of Molly - and that it is as much fun as it can be!

Finding My Right Path

I have been thinking about writing this post for awhile and kept getting side-tracked as life happened around me. Fall is my favorite time of year for so many reasons, college football, my birthday, which always signals a new year for me, the change of season, with gorgeous fall colors and cooler weather and the start of school. Because I consider this time of year my annual fresh start, I have been spending a lot of time assessing where I am and what is my right path. Two months later, I am finally finding time to stop, catch my breath and capture my thoughts.

I got turned down for two jobs in October, yep TWO jobs. Despite knowing that the right job is still out there, and that I currently have a job I love, it was a blow to my ego. I have been asked why I was looking if I love my job and there is no simple answer, but it was an opportunity that I needed to put my name in the hat for if I want to achieve the career plan I have for myself. I know I would have been fantastic in either position but I also know that I have to trust that my path is still being created so this was not the end of it, just a detour. So, after a night or two or feeling sorry for myself, I got up and decided that I would get back to finding my path. I started by asking myself why the job was such a blow to my ego - I mean, my whole identity is not wrapped up in my career, is it? Maybe it was time for some introspection...

When I stepped back a little, I realized that, for me, finding my right path might come outside of my career - not that I can't find great opportunities in my career but my personal path should be about so much more than that. Then, I had the chance to do two things last month: plan an event for Read for the Record at the YWCA Family Center and attend the YWCA's annual Woman to Woman luncheon. Suddenly, I realized what I needed to get on my right path and it meant going back to my passion for service and volunteerism. Reading to 23 small children and seeing the sheer joy and excitement in their faces as we read the story, created our own antennae and made collages was one of those moments you can only truly appreciate if you are in it.

So, my career path is still there and I am not ready to let it get overgrown from lack of care and attention, but I think I am closer to finding my right path, right here in my community. I am taking my first steps down this path and I cannot wait to see where it leads. No matter what, I know that this path will bring me new challenges and personal growth, and hopefully some new friends and mentors along the way.

Personal Downsizing

With the economic picture still continuing to present challenges to many of us, I began thinking about the idea of downsizing and how it relates to me personally. Downsizing is often used when the circumstances have forced it, like a company that must lay off employees to avoid going out of business or a couple that must move from their home to avoid foreclosure. The idea of downsizing always seems to have a negative connotation to it and I started thinking about how that could change if we started proactively downsizing, starting with our personal lives. Do I really need three TVs in the house? What about two cars to drive? Could Christy and I manage our lives with one car to share? Would we be able to handle the planning and and forethought that might have to occur, no more jumping in a car at a moment's notice to run to the store or grab a bite to eat? I started a mental inventory of all the places where personal downsizing could happen in my life and what the net impact would be. I started thinking about how much nicer it might be to open a closet or drawer and not feel it precariously stuffed and filled, with a single wrong move possibly bringing the whole thing down. Would it really bother me to wear the same several tops to work meetings? Would anyone I work with even notice? (Disclaimer: I do work with mostly men on a regular basis! So, I began the process of assessing what we could downsize.

Decision One: company car. I am no longer driving enough miles to warrant a company car, which meant we would have to buy another car or live with one?

Decision: downsize, one car.

Decision Two: what can we live without? This is a longer process, going through closets, noticing items that have not been used in months, streamlining our home life. We did accomplish a big part of this when we moved, but the accumulation seemed to start all over in the new house. Do we need all this stuff? I took a first step in this area when I chose to check out the public library and discovered that it is a great resource for books (and much easier on the budget too!) but now it is time to go to the next level with it.

Decision: room to streamline, finding motivation to do it.

Decision Three: keep chaos at bay. I find that when organization fails, accumulation starts. So, the motivation will have to reach beyond cleaning and purging and lead all the way to implementing a new process for organization.

Decision: organization at home is coming...

So, that is the start of my personal downsizing - it also includes some lifestyle downsizing, trimming the excess and finding the fun and value in simplicity. I think that this idea of personal downsizing is going to be an adventure, challenging me to think about my choices and to keep asking myself, need or want? And, while there will still be some indulging the wants, I think that being thoughtful about them will make me appreciate them even more. Now, off to work on organizing and cleaning (and hopefully purging!) in the house...

A Nation of Sound Bytes

Sound bytes. Those simple little quotes, meant to capture the overall intent of someone's thoughts or message, seem to be our new way of getting news and determining the value of something as complex and challenging as health care. It seems as though every time I have a conversation with someone, they repeat the sound bytes they heard on CNN, Fox, MSNBC or talk radio as though they are absolute fact, not commentary or opinion, which they have become more and more frequently. It does not matter which side of the argument you sit on, we have lost our sense of real debate and replaced it with our side's key talking points, forgetting to learn as much as we can and really talk about the issues in front of us, preferring to cite short snippets that create a divide and limit our ability to have honest, open conversations.

Just recently, I noticed an exchange on Facebook that was a great example of how the debate has become centered around talking points ands sound bytes, not real facts:

original post:

Its official! Sarah "the quitter" Palin is nuts! She actually seems to be equating health care reform with eugenics when she writes in this note: "The America I know and love is not one in which my parents or my baby with Down Syndrome will have to stand in front of Obama’s 'death panel' so his bureaucrats can decide, based on a subjective judgment of their 'level of productivity in society,' whether they are worthy of health care. Such a system is downright evil."

Response to post:

Well, to quote Obama... "Maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller."
-President Obama (healthcare town hall meeting, June 24, 2009.

If it's gonna be that way for old people, why not Downs Syndrome kids? Is it that big a stretch?

Response to response:

Yes, that is a giant stretch. And for the record here's the FULL quote from Obama at the town hall meeting you referenced: "End-of-life care is one of the most difficult, sensitive decisions we're going to have to make. I don't want bureaucracies making those decisions. But understand that those decisions are already being made in one way or another. If they're not being made under Medicare and Medicaid, they're being made by private insurers. We don't always make those decisions explicitly. We often make those decisions by just letting people run out of money or making the deductibles too high or the out-of-pocket expenses so onerous that they just can't afford the care.

And all we're suggesting -- and we're not going to solve every difficult problem in terms of end-of-life care; a lot of that is going to have to be we as a culture and as a society starting to make better decisions within our own families and for ourselves. But what we can do is make sure that at least some of the waste that exists in the system that's not making anybody's mom better, that is loading up on additional tests or additional drugs that the evidence shows is not necessarily going to improve care, that at least we can let doctors know, and your mom know, that you know what, maybe this isn't going to help, maybe you're better off not having the surgery, but taking the painkiller.

And those kinds of decisions between doctors and patients, and making sure that our incentives are not preventing those good decisions and that the doctors and hospitals all are aligned for patient care -- that's something we can achieve. We're not going to solve every single one of these very difficult decisions at end of life, and ultimately that's going to be between physicians and patients. But we can make real progress on this front if we work a little bit harder."

As you can see, the sound byte that was lifted from this long conversation became the talking point for one side of the argument and doesn't even really represent the whole point of the original conversation. This is just one small example of how talking points and sound bytes are defining our conversation and determining how we debate issues. As we continue to be a society of convenience and quick fixes, the sound bytes have become our way of learning and communicating news, which is not a good thing from my perspective. Gone seem to be meaningful, respectful debates and in their place we regurgitate the latest talking points from TV "news" hosts as though they are fact, when they are really opinions, perspectives and the concept of real reporting and news has escaped many people on TV and radio today. I am ready for the return to real differences and honest debate, not partisan, political sound bytes that don't do anyone justice.

I have challenged myself to learn more about the complex issues and stop relying on sound bytes and talking points - if I can have a real, honest debate with someone, that is one less conversation that is based in commentary and one more step toward a return to smart, thoughtful conversation.

Dreams to Reality

I am back from vacation, facing the real world and giving some serious thought to how we take our dreams and make them reality. We went to Kiawah Island, where my family has been going for 20 years, before it was the island it is today. As I think back to the last 20 years and what has changed, I realized that while the island has changed, grown and evolved and so have I, the feeling I have while I am there has not. There is a sense of contentment, happiness and peaceful relaxation that starts the moment I drive onto the island and stays with me until I get back to everyday life. For years, we have had this ongoing tradition of identifying our favorite house on the island, one that it is discovered as we ride our bikes around the island, finding features that fit our dream of living there, at least part of the year. This year, I found my new favorite home, one that looks large enough to share with family and friends who come visit as well as special features that bring to life some of my favorites, including an outdoor kitchen and a great outside social area for enjoying a glass of wine and the gorgeous marsh views. Every year that we go, I say that I would love to find a way to have a home there, a place to live part of the year, capturing a dream that has stayed with me for 20 years. I started to think about how to make my dream happen - what would it take? So, a plan has begun to take shape and the pot at the end of my rainbow is a home on Kiawah Island. It won't be simple, easy or quick but I think that setting my mind to achieve my dream is the first step in making my dream a reality.

As I put the words down on paper (or the computer screen), it is one more step toward making my dream a goal and then creating a plan for achieving that goal. And, as the reality of the money and resources sink in, I will stay focused on my goal, knowing that commitment, tenacity and the challenge will motivate me to bring my dream into the real world. It makes me wonder what we could all accomplish if we really set our minds to it.

The Value of Vacation

I am getting ready to go on vacation this week and, in the process of wrapping up work and finishing all my household duties (laundry, cleaning out the fridge, taking out the trash), I started thinking about vacations and what they mean to me. I was not always a fully engaged person in my life around me and often took work on vacation with me, logging onto my computer to check email or spend some time on my latest project. It was a standard expectation by friends and family that I would have my computer and work with me and I missed out on some important things because I "just couldn't get away from work". And then, I lost someone important to me unexpectedly and had the chance to go with his wife and daughter on a trip to Italy. No computer, no phone, just a chance to travel and experience my first vacation overseas. When I came back after two weeks, I had more than 400 emails in my work inbox - talk about overwhelming! And then, my boss said "just delete them all" and after a minor reaction of "you've got to be kidding me!!!" I did it. Wow, was that a liberating feeling! At that moment, I made the decision that to be the best person at work and at home, I had to make time for me and learn to put work away.

Fast forward to today - I have a personal cell phone so I can leave the work phone at home, the computer is not even an option in my packing plan and my goal is to be fully engaged in whatever I am doing, whether it is laying on the beach, playing in the ocean, biking around the island or hanging with family and friends. To quote my boss, "I work to live, not live to work" and so I am off to do just that...live!