As I thought more about being "out" and what that means I realized that while I am out, I still find myself keeping quite a bit in the closet. As I started really thinking about it, it began to feel like the storage closet you have at home - while it may be overflowing with things you need to throw away, it is full of things you just cannot bear to let go of. Simple things like holding my girlfriend's hand in public or not having to think about her "title" before I introduce her to others. More complex things like standing up to someone when they say I have it easier because people don't assume I am gay or thinking about where our legal documents are in case I actually needed them in an emergency. And, just like that closet at home, it starts out organized and logical until you keep adding to it and it becomes a jumbled, mixed up mess that you have to sort through just so you can find what you actually need.
I am a TV watcher - not ashamed to admit that my DVR stays full of shows that I like to watch so I often have analogies from those many shows. So bear with me - I do have a point in this! Remember on 'Friends' when Chandler and Monica move in together and she has the secret closet that he thinks has presents in it but it is really her secret messy closet? See, Monica wanted everyone to believe the outward part of her - organized (some might even say obsessive - 17 categories of towels!?!) and neat. But despite wanting to be that all the time, she still has a closet full of chaos and pack-rat behavior that she couldn't let go of!
Or in the movie, 'Sex and the City' when Carrie says to Big (when he asks if she wants a ring): 'no, just get me a really big closet' and then we see all sorts of references to her life and closets throughout the movie, like shoving her wedding dress (and her feelings) to the back of her closet or the single pair of shoes waiting for company in that big, huge closet. I guess my point is that while the GLBT community may have dibs on the term 'coming out of the closet', we all struggle with parts of ourselves that are sometimes easier left in the closet, or at least stored on a shelf for a bit.
See, once I came out of the closet, I thought "whew, I did it"...until I realized (very quickly!) that coming out is something you do again and again and it takes as much energy and courage each time as it did the first time. So, for me, the storage closet became a convenient little place to manage the different aspects of being out - tell people that I have a partner (out of the closet) but don't talk about our life together (storage).
So, I have decided to start cleaning out that closet - start throwing out those things that I just don't need to hang onto anymore and taking those things I really do cherish and value and stop shoving them into a closet...call it spring cleaning for my soul. Sounds great, right? Well, just like that closet at home, it is much easier to think about tackling it and how it will be so much more open and spacious when you are done but then reality sets in. Where do I start? How can I throw this out? Do I have room for this somewhere other than the closet? Isn't this more valuable than being stuck in the closet? And, along the way, I think I might just stumble upon one or two things that had been forgotten and be glad that I discovered them again.
Just like my coming out experience, I think the closet cleaning will be more of a journey than a one-time event - I mean, who doesn't end up filling back up that newly clean and organized space with stuff again? But, I think this time I will fill it up with stuff that is okay to be in there instead of hiding stuff that I should be proud to have out.
